Thursday, May 7, 2009

Portrait Thoughts #1

Eric was satisfied when he received this print of his portrait. He felt his request to have the photographer capture his "serious" and "playful" side was taken with just the right amount of "creativity" without looking too "art weird." Eric would return four years later to have himself photographed with his degree in engineering.



This picture would mark a historical date in the war between the Roberts Brothers. Steven (bottom left) and William (bottom right) followed in their Father's footsteps by keeping the traditional Roberts' look, while Luke (top Left) and Clem (top right) took their Mother's advice to "Loose the glasses and run a wet comb through your hair." A clear line was drawn that day and was rumored to be the reason Clem and Luke were not invited to Steven's ranch style wedding some seventeen years later.




Tina had asked the question "Collar up or down?" all the while fully knowing the answer.





*Inspired by Jaydollah's question "what's that one website that has all the olan mills photos of ugly ass people?" 11:21 am 06/07/09

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Makes Me Nervous

It was bad enough when The Matrix came out and crazy people found a way to channel their inner psychotic rage by wearing trench coats and shooting people. Now that the Wolverine movie is out, I gotta worry about this guy getting mad at me because I'm taking too long to pick out a Blizzard flavor at the Dairy Queen.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

It's Up To You...

I'd love to set you up with a clue as to what you're about to see, but like a van Gogh painting, I'll just let it speak for itself:





For years there's been a "little person" claiming to have been Gary Oldman's stunt double, and nobody believed him...until now:)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Bow To The Baby

This child will either:
A) Front a Metal band
B) One day rule this planet
or
C) Both 'A' and 'B' at the exact same time




ALT VERSION POST:

This child should either be:
A) Placed on a throne and worshiped
or
B) Destroyed immediately before it amasses too much power.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Does This Seem Odd?


Should people be winning guns?

Friday, March 27, 2009

Holy Cow

I'm a fan of Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi (aesthetically speaking that is) and I'm also a fan of bacon cheeseburgers. So you can image my surprise when I saw this commercial featuring those two things fornicating.









Pretty sure there's a "special sauce" joke to be used, but it's too nice out today for that sort of potty humor.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dear MTA






This is YOUR solution to YOUR debt:

  • The LIRR's service to Belmont ends in late April.
  • Subway and bus fares would go up on May 31.
    • Single rides would go from $2 to $2.50—a 25% hike;
    • 7-day unlimited cards would be $31 (currently $25)—a 24% hike;
    • 14-day unlimited cards would be $59 (currently $47)—a 25% hike;
    • 30-day unlimited card would be $103 (currently $81)—a 27% hike;
    • 7-day express bus cards would be $51 (currently $41)—a 24% hike;
    • Pay-per-ride Metrocard bonuses are kept intact (though what the final bonuses are is still undetermined)
  • Metro-North and LIRR fares will go up about 23% on June 1.
  • Bridge and tunnel tolls increase in July.
  • City bus routes are eliminated over the summer; the W and Z lines are eliminated in the fall as the M and G service is cut.
Great job pinheads. Feel free to come into my apartment and take 25% of my stuff. Sure I'll argue against it, but who would listen, right? Dicks.

And look at that even Jesus hates you, and from what I hear he likes most people, so what does that say about you? Dicks.

You're a bunch of dicks. Seriously.

Friday, March 13, 2009

If They Can't Make It, How Can We?



Bristol Palin and her baby's Daddy, Levi Johnston (great cowboy/porn name?) have broken off their engagement and called it quits.

I can tell you right now that Levi made a huge mistake and a very poor choice in judgement. I'm not talking about getting a high school girl pregnant, or even the fact that the relationship is over. I'm talking about the 'World's Greatest Mother-In-Law' mug he made in ceramics class. What a maroon.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Dear Ice Cream Man


Here in NYC February 9th may be a little too soon to continuously circle my block while chiming your ever so familiar tune. It made me feel uneasy and dazed, much like a bear who's awoken before the end of its hibernation. This is not the season for children to be running down the street, dollars in hand, ready to sample your wares. I spent my whole life building a tolerance for your music and that tolerance only lasts a few months. If you start now, then by May I'll be at my breaking point with you.

You're pushing it Ice Cream Man, chill out.

Unless you were one of those ice cream trucks that secretly sell pot. After doing a little research I was amazed at how many times Ice Cream Men got busted for selling marijuana. I mean, a brightly colored truck, blaring annoying music and surrounded by children doesn't sound like the most covert operation.

If you think about it, the Mailman should sell pot. The amount of clients, plus the outstanding distribution speed, would equal a one of a kind operation.

(Photo by CC)

*UPDATE - Just looked up Mailmen that have been busted for selling pot, there are plenty.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

This Is Not The Sword Show I Was at But...

I really wish that dude crowd surfing as at my show.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Heavy Metal At Its Finest


If you live somewhere in the five boroughs of NYC and last Friday night you felt the ground tremble as if Zeus himself was tap dancing in Times Square, it was just The Sword playing at Bowery Ballroom.

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Furthest Point Welcomes, 8-Ball Willis!

8-Ball is a prison inmate that spends a lot time doing what he does best, giving sound advice. He's spent the majority of his years behind bars, so he tends to only have "prison experience" when it comes to relating to other people's problems . But that doesn't mean he can't help.

He's made the move over to The Furthest Point and is ready to give YOU advice on whatever topic you choose. You can send your questions here Email 8-Ball and he'll answer you on this blog under the title "Ask 8-Ball."

To give you a better idea of what his style is like, here's some letters that 8-Ball has answered in the past:


Dear 8-Ball,
My best friend and I just started seventh grade and we're in the same homeroom. She is already the teacher's pet and gets all the attention. I get good grades and try to answer questions but our teacher usually calls on Darla and not me. I'm tired of her always being the star of the class. What can I do?
-Samantha, age 12

Dear Samantha,
You really shouldn't worry about your friend; you should be concentrating on yourself and your studies. Your friend Darla seems to have a need for attention, which can be very irritating for others.

This reminds me of a former inmate named Big Lou. He had a big mouth and always needed attention. One day Lou was in the yard and started telling everyone that a certain someone was a "punk-ass." Well that certain someone did not like any of this. So he made sure some crushed prison-issue soap got mixed into Lou's lunch. This caused Lou some annoying little pains and many bowel movements. So when Lou ran to the bathroom in distress, that certain someone was waiting there for him. That certain someone then proceeded to jam his makeshift plexiglass knife into Lou's sternum. Once it was securely in, he broke off the handle so Lou couldn't pull out the shiv from his blood-filling lungs. As that certain someone watched the life drain from Big Lou's eyes, he then said "Now who's the punk-ass, bitch?"

So you see, Samantha, I wouldn't worry too much.

Good Luck!










Dear 8ball,
what should i do? im really bored!! please help me! what should i do to cure this bordem? --summerbordem

Dear Summerbordem,
When you say "bordem" did you mean Borden as in Gail Borden, Jr. (1801-1874)? Ya know, the first man to develop a commercial method of condensing milk. Or did you mean boredom? Ya know, the condition of being bored.

If it's the latter, then I'd suggest getting a hobby. It gets pretty boring here in the joint, that's why I started this advice column. It keeps me very busy and alert-- then again so does the fear of violence, rape and drug addiction.

And if it's the former, well then you're just plain insane.

Good Luck!










Dear 8-Ball Willis,

I have a simple question for you. I was wondering, what do you think a guy really looks for in a girl?

-Curious Carol

Dear Curious Carol,

As the old saying goes "Different strokes for different folks".

Every man has his own personal style when it comes to finding a girl. Some men look for beauty; others value intelligence. Some look for a hybrid of both. But from what I can tell from the guys in here, they look for a smaller lady. The small size helps for overpowering and making her dismembered body parts fit nicely in the trunk of a car.

On the other hand, some guys here seem to like women that are roughly the same size as them, or even slightly larger--because if you're going to wear a woman's skin, it better fit, and fit well.

Good Luck!







So if you're looking for a fresh perspective or advice, then just "Ask 8-Ball."

RECESSION TIPS FOR THE MAFIA


Let’s face it these financial times are tough. Most of us can look to Unemployment for aid and help with searching the job market. But for some specific craftsmen, there’s really no one they can turn to. So for those in Organized Crime, I offer these solutions for saving a few bucks:

Use Piano Wire and or Knives – Bullets cost money and can’t be reused. By choosing a piano wire or knife for various up-close hits, you’re not only cutting down costs but you’re also getting in touch with your craft by having a more “hands on” approach.

Severed Donkey Heads – Donkeys are a lot cheaper than horses. So when you want to send a message “old school style” a donkey pretty much gets the same point across. Nobody’s gonna turn those bed sheets down and say “Not to worry, it’s only a donkey head.”

Fake Diamonds or “Fugazis” – Continue to get your wives the real stuff because they’re the “mother of your children!” But when it comes to your girlfriends or “Goomars” you can cut costs by getting fake ones. You really should be doing that anyways because chances are they won’t be around for too long, one way or another.

The Olive Garden – Those fancy dinners at high-end Italian eateries can really add up. You’re going to have to hit the old Olive Garden. Actually I hear it’s pretty good. There was a commercial for it on TV the other day. It was a family that had a relative coming over from Italy and in order to give him a taste of the “old country” they took him to the Olive Garden. He really seemed to like it. Plus there's like unlimited salad and bread!


And of course some classic money-saving ideas will always help like: carpooling, brown bagging and ratting on your friends.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Ramalama Ding Dongs

A day in the life of the New York Post:

REPORTER: I just finished my "It's a Ram Shame" article about former Jets coach Steve Spagnuolo becoming the new coach of the St. Louis Rams. I need a real killer picture to go with it. What do you creative maniacs have in mind?

PHOTOSHOP GUY: How about we put ram horns on his head?

REPORTER: Damn. How the hell do you guys keep hitting it out of the park?

Friday, January 2, 2009

Fun With Costumes

Recently I looked up "Thundercat costumes" for a post and I had such a good time that I went ahead and looked up some Comic-Con costumes. I've been to a few Cons and for those who haven't, please enjoy this quick costume review of what you've been missing:





This guy is dressed as the Death Star from Star Wars. Why?





Next up it's a Comic-Con classic, Wolverine. You'll see a lot of Wolverine costumes at these sort of conventions. The big difference between this guy's and all the rest - they all have Wolverine's trademark claws and their costume doesn't look like it's been sitting on the floor since last years Comic-Con. Fabreze that shit yo.





Well, what do we have here? Looks like a pretty cool group. Let's see: a very tiny Green Lantern, a Telemundo Superman, the Robin is OK, can't really get a good look at Batgirl back there (probably a good thing), Wonder Woman isn't quite as Amazon looking as she should be and, well, let's just call the last one an ill fitting Supergirl.





This is an action figure of Tiny from Gatchamen/Battle Of The Planets. He's called Tiny ironically. That means that this next guy who dressed like him...





totally got it right. Although the flip flops really makes him look like a silly willy.





Instead of taking the family to Disney, you dressed them up as The Incredibles and took them to Comic-Con. Was it to get your wife to dress up in a sexy superhero outfit...





or was it to shame and mentally scar your Son? Two birds with one stone, great job Pop.





Now THIS is how you do it right. You're a hot chick with one leg. So why not go as Cherry Darling from Grindhouse who just so happens to be a hot chick with one leg who ends up attaching a machine gun to it for killing zombies. Great job!