Heavy Metal At Its Finest

If you live somewhere in the five boroughs of NYC and last Friday night you felt the ground tremble as if Zeus himself was tap dancing in Times Square, it was just The Sword playing at Bowery Ballroom.

The Furthest Point Welcomes, 8-Ball Willis!

8-Ball is a prison inmate that spends a lot time doing what he does best, giving sound advice. He's spent the majority of his years behind bars, so he tends to only have "prison experience" when it comes to relating to other people's problems . But that doesn't mean he can't help.

He's made the move over to The Furthest Point and is ready to give YOU advice on whatever topic you choose. You can send your questions here Email 8-Ball and he'll answer you on this blog under the title "Ask 8-Ball."

To give you a better idea of what his style is like, here's some letters that 8-Ball has answered in the past:


Dear 8-Ball,
My best friend and I just started seventh grade and we're in the same homeroom. She is already the teacher's pet and gets all the attention. I get good grades and try to answer questions but our teacher usually calls on Darla and not me. I'm tired of her always being the star of the class. What can I do?
-Samantha, age 12

Dear Samantha,
You really shouldn't worry about your friend; you should be concentrating on yourself and your studies. Your friend Darla seems to have a need for attention, which can be very irritating for others.

This reminds me of a former inmate named Big Lou. He had a big mouth and always needed attention. One day Lou was in the yard and started telling everyone that a certain someone was a "punk-ass." Well that certain someone did not like any of this. So he made sure some crushed prison-issue soap got mixed into Lou's lunch. This caused Lou some annoying little pains and many bowel movements. So when Lou ran to the bathroom in distress, that certain someone was waiting there for him. That certain someone then proceeded to jam his makeshift plexiglass knife into Lou's sternum. Once it was securely in, he broke off the handle so Lou couldn't pull out the shiv from his blood-filling lungs. As that certain someone watched the life drain from Big Lou's eyes, he then said "Now who's the punk-ass, bitch?"

So you see, Samantha, I wouldn't worry too much.

Good Luck!










Dear 8ball,
what should i do? im really bored!! please help me! what should i do to cure this bordem? --summerbordem

Dear Summerbordem,
When you say "bordem" did you mean Borden as in Gail Borden, Jr. (1801-1874)? Ya know, the first man to develop a commercial method of condensing milk. Or did you mean boredom? Ya know, the condition of being bored.

If it's the latter, then I'd suggest getting a hobby. It gets pretty boring here in the joint, that's why I started this advice column. It keeps me very busy and alert-- then again so does the fear of violence, rape and drug addiction.

And if it's the former, well then you're just plain insane.

Good Luck!










Dear 8-Ball Willis,

I have a simple question for you. I was wondering, what do you think a guy really looks for in a girl?

-Curious Carol

Dear Curious Carol,

As the old saying goes "Different strokes for different folks".

Every man has his own personal style when it comes to finding a girl. Some men look for beauty; others value intelligence. Some look for a hybrid of both. But from what I can tell from the guys in here, they look for a smaller lady. The small size helps for overpowering and making her dismembered body parts fit nicely in the trunk of a car.

On the other hand, some guys here seem to like women that are roughly the same size as them, or even slightly larger--because if you're going to wear a woman's skin, it better fit, and fit well.

Good Luck!







So if you're looking for a fresh perspective or advice, then just "Ask 8-Ball."

RECESSION TIPS FOR THE MAFIA

Let’s face it these financial times are tough. Most of us can look to Unemployment for aid and help with searching the job market. But for some specific craftsmen, there’s really no one they can turn to. So for those in Organized Crime, I offer these solutions for saving a few bucks:

Use Piano Wire and or Knives – Bullets cost money and can’t be reused. By choosing a piano wire or knife for various up-close hits, you’re not only cutting down costs but you’re also getting in touch with your craft by having a more “hands on” approach.

Severed Donkey Heads – Donkeys are a lot cheaper than horses. So when you want to send a message “old school style” a donkey pretty much gets the same point across. Nobody’s gonna turn those bed sheets down and say “Not to worry, it’s only a donkey head.”

Fake Diamonds or “Fugazis” – Continue to get your wives the real stuff because they’re the “mother of your children!” But when it comes to your girlfriends or “Goomars” you can cut costs by getting fake ones. You really should be doing that anyways because chances are they won’t be around for too long, one way or another.

The Olive Garden – Those fancy dinners at high-end Italian eateries can really add up. You’re going to have to hit the old Olive Garden. Actually I hear it’s pretty good. There was a commercial for it on TV the other day. It was a family that had a relative coming over from Italy and in order to give him a taste of the “old country” they took him to the Olive Garden. He really seemed to like it. Plus there's like unlimited salad and bread!


And of course some classic money-saving ideas will always help like: carpooling, brown bagging and ratting on your friends.

Ramalama Ding Dongs

A day in the life of the New York Post:

REPORTER: I just finished my "It's a Ram Shame" article about former Jets coach Steve Spagnuolo becoming the new coach of the St. Louis Rams. I need a real killer picture to go with it. What do you creative maniacs have in mind?

PHOTOSHOP GUY: How about we put ram horns on his head?

REPORTER: Damn. How the hell do you guys keep hitting it out of the park?

Fun With Costumes

Recently I looked up "Thundercat costumes" for a post and I had such a good time that I went ahead and looked up some Comic-Con costumes. I've been to a few Cons and for those who haven't, please enjoy this quick costume review of what you've been missing:





This guy is dressed as the Death Star from Star Wars. Why?





Next up it's a Comic-Con classic, Wolverine. You'll see a lot of Wolverine costumes at these sort of conventions. The big difference between this guy's and all the rest - they all have Wolverine's trademark claws and their costume doesn't look like it's been sitting on the floor since last years Comic-Con. Fabreze that shit yo.





Well, what do we have here? Looks like a pretty cool group. Let's see: a very tiny Green Lantern, a Telemundo Superman, the Robin is OK, can't really get a good look at Batgirl back there (probably a good thing), Wonder Woman isn't quite as Amazon looking as she should be and, well, let's just call the last one an ill fitting Supergirl.





This is an action figure of Tiny from Gatchamen/Battle Of The Planets. He's called Tiny ironically. That means that this next guy who dressed like him...





totally got it right. Although the flip flops really makes him look like a silly willy.





Instead of taking the family to Disney, you dressed them up as The Incredibles and took them to Comic-Con. Was it to get your wife to dress up in a sexy superhero outfit...





or was it to shame and mentally scar your Son? Two birds with one stone, great job Pop.





Now THIS is how you do it right. You're a hot chick with one leg. So why not go as Cherry Darling from Grindhouse who just so happens to be a hot chick with one leg who ends up attaching a machine gun to it for killing zombies. Great job!

Slow News Day

This was in Sunday's NY Daily News:

LONG ISLAND TEENAGER ACCUSED OF DRIVING HIGH ON DRUGS, WHILE PASSENGER VOMITED OUT WINDOW

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Sunday, December 28th 2008, 10:31 AM

FARMINGVILLE, N.Y. A Long Island teenager has been accused of driving with one car door open and a passenger vomiting out a window.

Suffolk County highway patrol officers say the 17-year-old Nesconset (nes-KON’-set) resident was high on drugs when he was arrested Saturday morning. They say his 15-year-old passenger was leaning out the window of the open door while throwing up.

An officer stopped the car in Farmingville around 3 a.m.

The driver has been charged with unlawful possession of marijuana, driving while impaired by drugs and endangering the welfare of a child.

The passenger has been turned over to a guardian. Child welfare authorities have been notified.


Informative from the get go, "the 17-year-old Nesconset (nes-KON’-set) resident..." The whole time I was pronouncing "Nesconset" just as it's spelt and now I finally know that I was correct.

What's wrong with these LI teenagers? Smoking weed, driving, puking? Just the thought of teenagers acting like this make ME want to vomit. Where are their parents and church leaders? How does something like this happen in America?

Well at least I know where to party in Long Island. My only fear is that this Daily News story will alert the rest of the tri-state area about Mad Phat Farmingville and the place will be totally played-out in no time. Like Seattle, after Grunge.

Thanks NY Daily news, it's reporting like this that will truly keep newspapers from becoming obsolete.

Thundercats

Most fake fan trailers are lame, but they usually give you a quick smirk as to say "Holy shit, can you imagine if that was the actual trailer?" This fake Thundercats trailer is pretty damn smooth. Someday they will make a Thundercats film, odds are it will completely suck. So until that "real" crappy trailer comes, please enjoy this awesome "fake" one:




Bonus Stuff! Here's a look at some people who will be more excited about a Thundercats movie than you:


First up it's Loin-O, King of the Thundercats! I don't know what's more disappointing about his costume, is it the sneakers or the lame oven mitt glove? Oh wait, I know, it seems like this kitty hasn't been neutered (yeesh). Just to make matters worse, it sure doesn't look like he's at Comic-Con or any other place suitable for dressing as your favorite 80's cartoon hero. Looks like someone needs to call HR to explain the rules of 'Casual Friday'.




Here we have Cheetara and Lion-O. I noticed a gentleman sitting in a wheelchair behind them. He looks depressed. He was probably sad about not being able to walk and THEN he saw that guy dressed as Lion-O and just fell further. Poor bastard.




OK these children look shitfaced. The 2nd kid on the left is Lion-O and even though there's a girl dressed as a cat in the middle, I believe it has no "Thundercat" relation. Then again we could always ask tiny Uncle Sam next to her, see what he thinks. You dressed you kid up as Uncle Sam? You could always just get him a lunchbox that says "please wedgie me" which would make things a lot quicker.




(sigh) Where to begin? Here we go: you're a dude, dressed as a chick, based on an 80's cartoon, you put the Thundercats emblem on you car AND you personalized your plate to say "TCATSHO". And yes, I know it means "Thundercats Ho!" which is what Lion-O calls out to rally the Thundercats. What else can I say but great job and meeeeeeeow.